Forward of A Little Black Girl: A Testimony of Trial and Trial

Forward

This story begins at a mental health hospital, which I liken

to the wilderness place where God had many of His prophets

and apostles go to learn, grow and build an unshakable bond

with Him. I am a thirty-one year old woman who is tired. I

am tired of being everything to everyone. I am tired of doing

it all. I am tired of being controlled. I am tired of being taken

advantage of. I am tired of trying to earn their love and gain

their approval. I am tired of trying to get them to understand

what it is that I am going through. I am tired of waiting for

them to apologize. I am so damn tired of being told how to

fix it and what I should really do; as if I am a child that does

not know much. They wonder why I am not open with them.

I am tired of apologizing it feels like I have been doing that

my whole life. I am tired of talking without being heard. I

am tired of trying to be who they want me to be. I am tired

of not really being seen. I am tired of the “show”. I am tired

8 Alicia Conrad

of all the superficial. Come to me, all you who are weary and

burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you

and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and

you will fi nd rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my

burden is light. I am just tired (Matthew 11: 28-30). It took

eight days away from my world to realize this.

I am on medication and going to therapy for the second

time. I know it is helping but they say, “OH you just need

more faith. You need to walk in that faith.” I do not respond

to them because they do not hear the words speak. I know

the Bible says all I need is faith as a mustard seed; last time

I checked mustard seeds are not very big. I think to myself I

know who is God is. He speaks and sups with me. This is not

an instantaneous healing or breakthrough. I have twenty-five

years of junk and hurt to clean up and get over. True not all my

thirty-one years have been all-bad; there have been many joys

and wonderful occasions but most have been overshadowed

by gloom. Some deep wounds cannot be healed unless they

are brought out.

A Little Black Girl and A Testimony of Trail and Triumph 9

I am starting a new journey where it is not selfish to

take care of me fi rst. I have realized that if I do not take care

of myself there is absolutely no way I can take care of those

whom really need me or complete God’s work properly. I am

excited about doing this for me not only in theory but in action

as well. I am going to follow this all the way through with this.

I understand that I cannot make anyone believe or understand

what I am going through. All that I have written God has

released me to share. I do pray that you are encouraged after

reading the fi rst quarter of my life. Know that every miracle

and deliverance is not instant; some work may be required on

your part. Never give up or give in. You are much better than

you were on yesterday.

This is written not for pity or to bring shame but to show

the greatness of God. To show that He will use whom He

chooses, when He chooses, how He chooses. In addition, to

let other women, especially Black Americans, know that they

are not alone in their struggles or addictions. The things I talk

about are not normally thought to be actions done by Black

women. Once you bring them to light, Lucifer cannot hold

10 Alicia Conrad

them against you and God can and will help you. He will take

your ashes and cause something beautiful to grow. He will

take your sorrows and replace it with unspeakable joy and

peace that no man can take away. He will pour out His love on

you like the Sunrays upon the Earth, chasing all the darkness

away.

There is no shame or condemnation for the children of

God. So now there is no condemnation for those who belong

to Christ Jesus. 2 And because you belong to him, the power1

of the life-giving Spirit has freed you2 from the power of sin

that leads to death (Romans 8:1-2, NIV). He loves you just the

way you are and too much to leave you in a broken state. He

made you. He knows who you are and what has happened in

your life.

A Little Black Girl and A Testimony of Trail and Triumph 11

Isaiah 43:18-20 (NLT)

18 “But forget all that—

it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.

19 For I am about to do something new.

See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?

I will make a pathway through the wilderness.

I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

20 The wild animals in the fi

elds will thank me,

the jackals and owls, too,

for giving them water in the desert.

Yes, I will make rivers in the dry wasteland

so my chosen people can be refreshed